Semester Reflection

Did you achieve the learning objectives?

Looking back in hindsight allows me to be more aware of my actions the next time I am in a similar situation. Looking back this year I did see that I was able to develop my drafting process into something a little more productive. For such a big assignment that was the inquiry paper, we had to be ready for people to read our papers right in front of us not once but three times. This means that I need to come to class with something presentable, and then something better, and then something so good that it only needs to be tweaked every so slightly for it to be perfect. I felt a great shame, I’m talking pit in my stomach when I came to class on the first peer review day with nothing more than an outline. I was in the room with some really talented writers and I wasted it by only coming up with an outline. I was very shocked when the majority of kids didn’t have an outline, let alone an essay. It did make me feel a little better but that’s not what I choose to focus on. I was caught slipping, and it won’t happen again because I am not here to just talk about writing, I am here to write.

What else did you learn?

I learned to be more comfortable with listening. Growing up, nothing was worse than silence. It meant that literally, nobody knew the answer. Nobody includes me so now I’m just in a class sitting and staring at the teacher. I learned to just be a little bit of a filler in the class. If no one was particularly ecstatic about speaking I would raise my hand and answer very simple questions. I thought that the other students were just shy or wasting everyone’s time. Eventually, I started doing it for the wrong reasons. Instead of wanting to keep the classroom going, I started being a little annoying, it’s okay because I’m saying it, and I would answer every question even if other people wanted to too. Discussions were less of a discussion and instead a room with twenty-five or so walls for me to bounce my ideas off of. In my English and Spanish classes, I learned that sometimes waiting a minute or two could get me a totally different answer than I was about to say, and it could also present opportunities. Today, I was planning on presenting first, but Emily did. She gave an oscar worthy speech about an essay I would have been more than glad to peer review. By hearing her speak about it I got a little influenced and decided I needed to up my game. There’s no way I’m going up in front of the class and saying two measly sentences about my essay when I know it’s way more interesting than that. By listening instead of rushing to speak, I was able to hear what other people had to say, reassess myself, and improve.

What do you want to improve on?

I want to get better at recognizing rhetorical devices. I can see the big obvious ones like rhetorical questions, humor/fear appeal, and things like that. But some of the more niche ones are harder to pick out. It’s a good thing I bought a physical copy of the Rhetorical Devices book and not some digital access key that expires soon. Elevating my awareness of rhetorical devices means I will have greater control of my audience. As a future therapist, I will need greater control of my audience, but that’s a little ahead. For my Fall English class I hope to develop my skills in public speaking should we ever share in front of the class again. Today I noticed that I kept fidgeting with my bracelets. The vibes were super chill so I didn’t feel that my face was hot or that every action mattered but to me, from my perspective, playing with my bracelet was like when someone says “um” while giving a speech. A completely metaphorical punch to the face. I just needed something to do with my hands, I could’ve just held them or something. Looking forward, I can bring a single notecard and pretend I’m reading off of it, or at least bring a few talking points so I’m not just winging it. Preparing more for a show and tell and treating it like a speech would have given me more control over the situation, myself, and my audience. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when people are getting participation claps and wow that was so good claps but when you can tell it’s usually a bummer.

How was your writing process?

I remember this one from a writing prompt and my answer still hasn’t changed except for right now because of the urgency. If I’m home I like to shower then put on a dumb, and by dumb I mean it’s not in the current rotation of shows I’m watching so it doesn’t matter, movie while I type. The movie serves as a buffer against boredom. If I’m bored I just look every so slightly up for a few minutes, then write a few sentences. Can’t have writer’s block if you aren’t really writing. I learned that I actually do care about what other people think. Earlier I mentioned that I felt shame when I came to class with just an outline but I also felt it when I sent an unfinished essay to my friends. When I started polishing, more like power sanding, my second draft into my final one I realized how bad it was. Note to self: Do NOT turn an outline into an essay when you’re exhausted, just sleep. As I was fixing it I literally could not stop myself for the fear of my friends opening it and seeing how utterly disgusting it was. If I had submitted it you would have probably called me into your office hours and asked if I was okay or if I needed to chat about anything. That draft doesn’t exist anymore but the fact that I sent it out there means that I sent out work, an extension or representation of myself as a writer, out into the world before I should’ve. Moving forward I will be keeping the resource that is my friends. They actually wanted to read my work and I have no doubt that they still will in a few months. If I just make a draft they will have thoughts and I will be able to use them to succeed, symbiotically of course.

Any last thoughts?

Obviously, I’m like a little dramatic when I write so just take what I say with a grain of salt. I really like the idea of a writer having a voice. It sounds like something that does not happen but no, it does. To me this means that if you read this somewhere else you would be able to realize I’m the author because of the pattern of quirks in here. Reading my own work in the way that I write it is also very refreshing. For lack of a better word, it serves as a reinforcement of who I am as a writer. I don’t need to cut off parts of my writing to fit into an outdated box of what professionalism is. Kind of like that article you had us read where the author was writing how he spoke and it was very hard for a lot of us to get it in the beginning. To me, being exposed to the extremes build up a tolerance to the smaller stuff. I don’t think I would have been comfortable writing this in the way I did had I not written the This I No Longer Believe Essay in the way I was able to.

Inquiry Paper

Lana Del Rey: The Misogynist or the Feminist?

Joel Y Peralta

City College of New York

ENGL 110: Freshman Composition

Professor Olivia Wood

May 15, 2023

Abstract

Lana Del Rey(LDR) is a popular alternative pop artist who tells rather tragic stories in her songs. She often speaks of physical and emotional abuse in a rather catchy way that makes it hard to not listen to it. She has always sparked thoughts in my mind since I have always heard her songs being played at home when I was younger and in school when I was older. There’s a Lana Del Rey song for nearly any occasion because of the range of emotions that go into every album, or era as LDR fans will call them, of her discography. This wide range creates a general story that fans can follow but many disagree on the true intentions behind the lyrics. Some critics, fans or professionals,  argue that Lana Del Rey’s work perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes by objectifying herself to cater to the male gaze. Others suggest that her use of objectification is a conscious artistic choice to express her need to remove patriarchal norms. In this paper, I will dive deeper into the themes she uses and analyze the ways in which Lana Del Rey’s work can challenge cultural messages about gender and power, and highlight the nuances of female agency and authority.

Keywords: Americana, male gaze, sexuality, complex, interpretation

The male gaze refers to how many female characters are created to be objects of desire for male audiences. This idea has infiltrated American media, where female characters often exist in relation to their male character. This can be seen in movies where the female love interest’s character has been reduced to just a desirable woman whose sole purpose is to please the male protagonist. These depictions of female characters not being actual people contribute to harmful gender stereotypes and the marginalization of women in the media.

Born To Die

Lana Del Rey’s opening track “Born to Die” on her debut album sets the tone for her complex exploration of femininity and sexuality. The lyrics “I feel so alone on a Friday night. Can you make me feel at home, if I tell you you’re mine?” make the speaker sound very desperate and alone in their begging, showing her vulnerability. However, the way in which the question is phrased suggests that there is a desire for this relationship to be transactional rather than rooted in genuine love. This foreshadows the risks and challenges that are explored throughout the album. While some critics argue that Lana Del Rey’s work perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes by objectifying herself to cater to the male gaze, others suggest that her use of objectification is a conscious artistic choice to express her need to fight against patriarchal norms. American media often portrays women that act in ways similar to Lana Del Rey’s character 

Off to the Races

Lana Del Rey’s “Off to the Races” is a very complex song that explores themes of abuse and agency inspired. A toxic relationship between the female character whose point of view LDR sings from and her partner, who she describes as a “bad man” is suggested yet despite his abusive tendencies, the woman feels comfort and appreciation in the way he holds her hand, creating a sense of emotional attachment to him. The line “he grabs me, he has me by my heart” supports this, it evokes a sense of emotional entrapment and manipulation while also furthering the idea of domestic violence being at play because that is what happens when bad men grab women. 

Lana Del Rey has the main character go back and forth between acknowledging the abusive nature of her partner and then falling back into the relationship as if nothing bad has happened, highlighting the complexity of abusive relationships and how hard it is for victims to escape them. Since she keeps putting the blindfold back on as a means to protect herself and stay happy, she may never escape the abuse. With all of that being said, there is a sense of agency and power in the way Lana Del Rey presents her. Sexuality is referenced with her “Las Vegas past” and “L.A. crass way”, challenging traditional notions of femininity and sexuality and suggesting that she is in control of her own narrative despite the abuse she is experiencing. This presents a multi-faceted and nuanced portrayal of female agency, power, and the difficulties of abusive relationships. Lana Del Rey’s use of imagery and language invites listeners to consider these themes in a deeper and more introspective way, challenging cultural messages about gender and power instead of taking it at face value and only seeing glamorized abuse.

Contributors to Genius, a popular music website where users can add their interpretation to song lyrics, too believe that Lana Del Reys’ portrayal of this female character has a purpose other than putting down women. “The patriotic colors that she embodies quickly contrast with the black associated with her lover. This could symbolize his corruption of her innocence.” (Genius, 2012). As previously stated, Lana Del Rey’s portrayal of women is rooted in stories of abuse. Throughout Off to the Races we hear many phrases that suggest the female character is being changed by her lover. Looking back on her “L.A crass way” and  “Las Vegas past” with the new information provided by Genius, then one can infer some grooming is happening. Especially with this male character having established power over the female one, he’s older, he has money and is rather violent. There are millions of reasons why this woman, the character in the song, would want not want to be near him but she stays anyways for the “gold coins” and the illusion of safety he provides, even if it harms her. On one hand, the song does reinforce harmful gender stereotypes by portraying women as objects to be traded or used for men’s pleasure. On the other, the song provides commentary on the power dynamics women sometimes have to navigate while in relationships with men. Overall, “Off to the Races” highlights the complexity of Lana Del Rey’s work, perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes while also challenging traditional notions of femininity and power.

Lana Del Rey herself has stated that she does not uphold misogynistic ideas towards women and that she writes her songs taking inspiration from her own life. “Im fed up with female writers and alt singers saying that I glamorize abuse when in reality I’m just a glamorous person singing about the realities of what we are all now seeing [is] very prevalent [in] emotionally abusive relationships all over the world” (Grant, 2020). Lana Del Reys has bajillions of female characters that are in positions of abuse at the hands of men so it is very easy for the general audience to get the wrong message. To many, it may seem obvious that Lana Del Rey has experienced at least some of the abuse she is talking about. To the few that were not getting the message as she intended it: Lana Del Rey makes sad songs that are for the masses, meaning people just love them. The sad song genre is huge and creating a false narrative that speaking of these topics, even in the way Lana Del Rey speaks of them, is harmful is not the right hill to die on.

Video Games

The song “Video Games” by Lana Del Rey is choc full of American imagery, which creates a sense of relatability for Lana Del Rey and separates her from the idea of pushing a misogynistic narrative onto her fans. Right from the start LDR is creating the idea of a perfect summer day, “Swinging in the Backyard”. She then mentions a fast car to further use American imagery to build a sense of a perfect life, contrasting what we hear in “Off to the Races”. The beer and sundress strike images of a barbecue and generally, the families that are better off host as they want to show off their success and share with their friends and family. Additionally, video games are mentioned which brings the audience to a more modern and less timeless experience. Having such a positive event take place after her earlier and sadder songs in the album creates a sort of progression of her emotional journey. Lana Del uses Americana to make a very relatable yet idealistic image of a day spent with her loving partner.

“Although Del Rey insists it’s about being in love and she’s singing about being in the throes of a loving relationship, that’s not how it comes across. Not at all. The whole record sounds elegiac – sort of a mourning song for a certain type of perceived American dream; the perfect fit for Del Rey’s aesthetic.” (Heaf, 2012)

It’s very common for critics to disagree with artists on what their work means. Everyone has different worldly views that influence how they consume media. Heaf acknowledges LDRs truth that Video Games is a love song yet still pushes his own that it’s too gloomy to be one. Commenting that Lana Del Rey is perfectly in character for mourning her dead American dream is reinforcing the box that many fans have placed Lana Del Rey in.

The love story told in Video Games contrasts with the one told in Off To The Races in the way Lana Del Rey’s character’s love is fueled and expressed. The lyrics “It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you. Everything I do. I tell you all the time Heaven is a place on Earth with you” is a very literal way for the character to express her love and willingness to keep it. Unlike the love story told in “Off to the Races”, this song is a step forward for her love life, since it is actual love. “Heaven is a place on Earth with you” raises the partner on a pedestal which might raise some eyebrows given the fact that Lana’s other songs explore toxic relationships but since the entire song can be taken as a declaration of love, it’s bound to be one-sided. The main character is willing to do anything to make her partner happy because it makes her happy while in “Off To The Races” she does it for money. Intrinsic motivation is less likely to cause burnout and stress because merely doing the action is it is own reward while extrinsic motivation is when someone is chasing a reward, it is far less effective because it causes stress. Lana Del Rey’s motivation is entirely intrinsic, she is devoted to this man and wants to see his smile and feel his arms around her.

“Tell me all the things you wanna do. I heard you like bad girls, honey, is that true? It’s better than I ever even knew” This is now where Lana Del Rey gets a little closer to the border between devotion and obsession. She is open to trying new things, breaking the mold, and exiting her comfort zone for him. Being a little bit of a social chameleon does not ruin the innocence of this new relationship and despite making sacrifices or at least just being willing to make them, Lana Del Rey does not seem to regret anything she has theoretically done. Continuing with the idea of Americana, anyone would sacrifice anything for love and family and all of that cheesy stuff that has been thrown into film and television since they have been invented. So when Lana Del Rey sings “They say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if somebody is loving you” she is expressing the newfound mutuality in her relationship. The love is shared, not given. Being in love with her partner is the only thing that matters, its the whole world for her. A more accurate description of Video Games is about how far she is willing to go for love, not how little she has been reduced by love. 

Discussion

As a long-time Lana Del Rey fan, this paper was very interesting to write. I was listening to her song “Religion” during class the day we started the paper so I proposed writing about different forms of Christianity. I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt utter despair even amusing that topic. I had no idea what to write about so I asked for help in the Zoom meeting which you provided. You did help a lot but I just had no drive to move forward. After building up the courage to ask to write about Lana Del Rey instead and then getting the okay for it I felt much better. This paper was less like some boring and lengthy assignment for my English class and more like a fun but big assignment of diving into a topic I actually care about.

As seen in my other papers, I am on social media. Some would say a lot more than the average person. Because of algorithms, numbers, and math, I am able to connect with a lot of people that share the same interest as me. Often times I see people saying that they are smoking cigarettes or sleeping with older men but do not fret because they are doing it in a Lana way. Meaning that they know they’re doing something harmful but are going to keep doing it because Lana Del Rey did something similar and she’s just so hot or whatever. My original topic was going to be dissecting what “in a Lana way” means, and how LDRs intended message gets misconstrued. After doing some research I found it more appropriate to instead provide a space and discuss how Lana Del Rey does come across as these negative words people often use to describe her but that is not the case. The difference is the acknowledgment of people calling her misogynistic, it’s not entirely nonsense. I chose her album Born to Die because it’s the one I grew up on. I briefly went over the song Born To Die, then Off to the Races, and lastly, Video Games because these songs just have so much to talk about. I ordered them in the way they appear in the album because that is just what felt natural. My arguments were expressed in a way parallel to my thesis, raising the idea that some see it as misogynistic but with “XYZ” we see that it isn’t. To make my overall paper stick I used the infamous “Question for the Culture” as this was a pretty recent controversy. Presenting my arguments was really just more about keeping it sweet and simple instead of bombarding it with information.

Establishing myself as a worthy speaker was not at the forefront of my mind as I was writing but in hindsight, it can be seen in my choice of a topic. It is a rather interesting topic, at least to me, so it must be interesting to read, hopefully for you. Other topics would have been much easier to research but just rereading my thesis makes it clearer that I won’t really rely on scholarly articles. The purpose of any assignment is to get a good grade but this one also had the purpose of being a good read for my peers. The intended audience is anyone interested in Lana Del Rey. I appealed to emotion with all of the talk of abuse and misogyny, those topics generally strike a bit of it into people. Specifically, I appealed to bring out people’s sympathy and try to see things from her point of view. 

Rhetorical Devices

Parallelism:

1.  I intentionally placed this in here because I wanted to show the really large range in the duration of my listening experience and how it creates a contrast. Parallelism was  also used to make the information easier to digest as the abstract sets up the entire paper
2. There was a lot of parallelism in my paper since I am talking about two sides of a controversial person. I specifically chose this one to expand on since it was just so obvious to me. The parallelism is in “on one hand” and “gender stereotypes” with “on the other hand” and “power dynamics”. This device was used because these sentences are paired and contrast each other. Gender stereotypes are something being pushed onto one party while power dynamics is something being shared between the two.

Hyperbole

3. “The song video games has a lot of American imagery” just doesn’t sound nearly as interesting as using “choc-full”.  Using such a phrase also makes the paragraph sound a little more playful which was intended since the previous section is a little gloomy. As a rhetorical device, hyperbole is used as a more playful and interesting way of saying “a lot” that allows my readers to not be so bored while reading.
4. I wanted to soften the blow of LDR making a lot of misogynistic portrayals of women so I used hyperbole. By using a pinch of comedy instead of being serious it makes it easier for readers to see her in the way the rest of my paper describes her. Hyperbole was used so that the section was more coherent with the rest of the paper’s portrayal of Lana Del Rey.

Antithesis

5. Antithesis is being used to show how the ideas contrast with each other. Separating it from parallelism was a challenge but antithesis focuses more on a denial of something rather than creating a balance. I used antithesis here as a way to just flat out say that the opposing view on Video Games is incorrect.

Bibliography

1. Grant, E. (2020). Question for the Culture. Twitter. Retrieved from https://twitter.com/sociolojay/status/1660197590032596992/photo/1. 
2. Heaf, J. (2012, October 1). Woman of the year: Lana Del Rey. British GQ. https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/woman-of-the-year-lana-del-rey 
3. Lana Del Rey. (n.d.-a). Off to the races. On Born to die – The paradise edition deluxe. Polydor UK. 
4. Lana Del Rey. (n.d.-b). Video games. On Born to die – The paradise edition deluxe. Polydor UK. 
5. Lana Del Rey. (n.d.-b). Born to Die. On Born to die – The paradise edition deluxe. Polydor UK. 
6. Lana Del Rey – off to the races. Genius. (2012). https://genius.com/Lana-del-rey-off-to-the-races-lyrics 

Rhetorical Analysis

Greta Thunberg Global Warming

“People are suffering, people are dying, entire Ecosystems are collapsing” fear appeal

Greta Thunberg’s speech at the United Nations Climate Action summit was a very shocking thing to hear. This was a pivotal moment in her career. She started off as an internet sensation, a young girl skipping class every Friday to protest climate change then all of a sudden she is meeting with leaders of the world. At this meeting we find out she’s not just doing it for fun but that she actually has a passion for activism and that she is worth listening to. In this summit, we see a young girl nearly in tears because of the atrocities of the world. Greta uses people’s perception of her being a child, full of potential, naive, precious, and pure, to shock viewers at how scary the world is because of climate change. 

Greta expertly uses pathos, an appeal to ethics, by shaming the greedy rich for their actions and by blaming them for tearing down the planet and its people. The logos, appeal to logic, of Greta Thunberg’s speech, is that rich people are doing whatever they can to get even richer and by doing so they are killing people and causing climate change. Greta’s pathos has largely been discussed but to summarize, Greta is a very young girl in a big scary world and she uses that to her advantage in her speeches. This very much so was an excellently effective use of rhetoric. This speech, specifically the chosen line, turned Greta Thunberg from a meme into a household name. I am not even on Twitter but I saw countless tweets of her saying “entire ecosystems are collapsing” for literal months. Her career as a political activist completely exploded, and she now has access to much more resources that can spread her message so climate change can actually be worked on instead of ignored. The only way I would tweak it is by adding one or two laughable or at least usable moments for Twitter. When there’s only a single three-second clip that is somewhat laughable maybe some people will want to see the source, but when there’s a second or a third three-second clip, a lot more people are going to question whether or not they should watch the video because it is just so hilarious. Obviously, Greta and her writers were not writing a comedy special but I believe it’s all about who hears the message as long as the core of the message stays the same.

“Yes, please do enlighten me. Email me at smalldickenergy@getalife.com” humor appeal

As far as social movements go, this one is quite unorthodox. Fast forward a few years, and Greta is huge. Andrew Tate is also huge, but not in a good way. He is very purposely controversial, often times he says things that belittle women, mainly slut-shaming. He also loves to show off how much money he has and makes. This consumerist “alpha-male”, thematically, goes perfectly against Greta. He is all about big spending, cigars, and fast cars. She traveled by boat instead of air to show people that they can cut down their carbon footprint. Andrew Tate attempted to show off how much of a “top dog” he is by listing all the expensive things he owns. Greta replied by telling him he is insecure, and that his wealth is a shield to protect him from what people really think about his dog water, meaning horrible, takes. Greta is literally a teenager, she would not even blink if her car had an 8-gallon quad turbo instead of an 8-Liter, whatever that even is. Andrew Tate’s attempt to call Greta a loser for not being a rich asshole proved that he, as a speaker, does not understand who his audience is. Greta, as the speaker, understood her audience, Andrew Tate’s antis(which is pretty much everyone), when she called out Andrew Tate for trying to inflate himself. 

Dissecting Greta’s tweet using Cicero’s five cannons is very interesting. Her tweet starts off pretending to be interested in what he has to say, then she returns his insult and calls him an even bigger loser for believing that living so monetarily is worth it. Her style is that of a teenager, a true member of Gen-Z. Tiktok once went through an era called the fairy comments. To make a fairy comment first you put some sparkly, nature, and fairy emojis. Inside these emojis, you say a backhanded compliment that is more like an insult. An example message could be “words can’t describe you… but numbers can 1/10” or “you go girl, now don’t come back”. As readers can tell, these comments are very fun and light in a Gen Z way. Greta perfectly captures the Gen Z humor in her tweet with a little essence of the tiktok fairy comments. Everyone always remembers big celebrity beef, especially ones where bad people are just completely humiliated. This sticks with readers because Andrew Tate is a very big macho man, some would call him the face of modern misogyny, and Greta belittled him in a way that the entire internet laughed at. Her delivery was also done very well, a little cherry on top. His attack was a tweet so she retweeted. Her not turning to a news outlet or a magazine and instead to just write that little tweet and send it shows a sense a calmness as he tries to intimidate her and how casual shes being, like this is just another day for her.

This I No Longer Believe

Seeing the Loser in the Job You Put on a Pedestal

When I was young, my mother often worked late. After long school days and during the summer, I would have a sitter watching me. This system she made was running smoothly until one fateful summer when my sitter was suddenly unavailable. My mom had already signed up to work summer school, and with the 3-day notice she was given, she just decided to take me with her. I, a third grader, went to summer school for high schoolers. 

As a youngling, teachers were kind of a big deal. A lot of the time I saw my teachers more than I saw my parents. Having that authority over me and my class for such a long time meant that there was an image being made since kindergarten. When they clapped, we clapped back. When they spoke, we listened. When they chose me as the line leader, I felt important.

Being my mom’s little tail for that week meant that I was no longer in school as a student but rather as an observer. I watched how they acted. How they would open another tab and play games instead of paying attention and doing their work. How they would keep their phone under the desk while very obviously staring at it, even when the lights were dim and their screens were bright they still acted as if they were tricking the teacher since they weren’t called out. My mom’s high school was big, much bigger than my elementary school but the class was luckily just around the corner from the bathroom. Something I didn’t get at the time was that students would use the bathroom for ten, or twenty minutes until my mom had to report a kid for skipping. They found him using the security cameras and that was the final straw.

In kindergarten, first grade, second grade, and third grade, I just knew I was going to be a teacher. It was only natural for me. Then bam. All of that muck just completely killed the vibe. This was my “You can’t fly jets if you’re colorblind” moment. I expected dry sponges sitting at the edge of their seats ready to absorb information and I was instead met with people who skipped school, got sent to summer school, and decided to skip that too. I considered my future plans to be a very solid part of me and now that piece of me shriveled up and died. I desperately needed something to check that box and it didn’t get checked for a while.

The answer to the question “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” is a lot more important than a lot of people think. It’s not just some icebreakers annoying teachers throw out on the first day of school so people can socialize. It is a chance to look into yourself, rip that third eye open, and see. Are you really on track to be your best self? Is the road that is your life going somewhere you actually want to be? Are you using the cards you were dealt with efficiently so you can retire and live frugally or are you just here because high school is legally required until you’re 16 and once you’re 16 you might as well finish it?

My smiling teeth are so perfect, straight, and beautiful because I had braces. For a while, I would say “I want to be a dentist,” because I love my dentist, they are perfect. Everything they do is with purpose, every move is so calculated and they have never fudged up. But I didn’t really believe myself, I said I wanted to be a dentist but I knew damn well I wasn’t going to be in college for twelve years to work on people’s smelly, gummy, bloody mouths. Dentistry is a well-respected job for a reason, I mean dental health is super important, but I never once actually considered it an option for me.

It’s not like I was going the whole 9 yards looking for the perfect answer to put into my perfect plan for who I was going to be. Life went on. I ran through elementary school and skipped through most of the middle school, where we had lockers. Our lockers were weird, to make the space used much more efficiently the rows were placed parallel with each other kind of like the walls of books in a library. Our guidance counselor would coordinate the lines of middle schoolers getting their things so that no row was ever too crowded. I thought about him a lot. When I would misbehave I was sent to his office and we chatted, he had a really nice office. He had this huge fish tank and all of these decorations, his own printer, and such a big comfy chair. He coordinated the school events for the most part but I never really saw him working. Like sitting down and actually working. Not like you need to break your back to actually “work” but it should be something that at least makes you tired at the end of the day. After all, my mom always said that if you like what you do you aren’t really working. The only time I saw him do actually work, I mean work where he is truly fulfilling his googlable job description, is when I got sent to his office and we just talked about high schools. I mean I guess he also spoke with people about their feelings if they were going through something. I can so do your job is what rang through my head for the next few years. Each time it rang it was louder and louder until I started saying it out loud. 

Then I started looking up their duties, salary, and the steps it takes to become a Guidance Counselor. Did you guys know that Guidance Counselors get paid more than teachers do? Crazy considering they do less “work” than teachers do. They get the same benefits, and higher pay, and are still in school so it’s not too different. Choosing to be a Guidance Counselor instead of a teacher means I am now on a fixed path again, this one being much more solid than the previous one obviously. This also means that I’ll be living that good American Dream type of life that I always wanted. Everything will be mine. But this was all in my head, let’s go back to what I was actually doing. 

Afterward, I applied to schools and checked off “psychology” whenever they asked for my intended major. Last fall I took Bob Melaras’ Psychology In The Modern World and boy, was it affirming. We learned a little about the brain and what drugs do to it, parenting styles, and like all these old theorists that made up crazy stuff and called it science. When I learned about parenting styles I started analyzing my own parents, when I learned about the effects of drugs like marijuana and nicotine I started noticing people’s behaviors and just thought “damn”. I swear that one class totally opened my third eye, maybe even my fourth too. Psychology isn’t like math where you have to plug in all these numbers or English where you have to write pages and pages of something. Mind you this was an intro class, literally PSY 102, but it was just learning terms for the most part. You could say that’s what every class is but if you did you just wouldn’t be getting it. I never considered myself to be a passionate person when it comes to my career after that one summer but I felt a little something during that class. I knew I could be in this field for 30-40 years.